Honestly, I don't like it

What expectant mother doesn't need to be reassured that the baby is still in there living? Me, sort of.
What expectant mother doesn't want to feel her baby move? Me.
What expectant mother complains about it even though she really wanted it? Me.

I'm 4 1/2 months along and I'm a bad mother-to-be. BUT, I'm also being myself. And my philosophy lately is "God knows (how I feel)," so why try to hide or ignore it. Also, I've read that having contradictory feelings about all of it is normal and that's what I kept telling my mother, but she disagreed. Please- it's been 26 years since she was pregnant, she doesn't remember these little things.

So this is the fourth day that I've felt that feeling that the baby is moving. And it is moving! My first reaction- weird; my second reaction- I don't like this. I feel like I'm being invaded or something. And I've already admitted that my life as I knew it is over. I have no idea about this other life and that bothers me.

When I started feeling it move it was uncomfortable, I described it as a gas bubble coming to the surface of my abs. But no, that's not right. It's like an erratic heartbeat or muscle twitch in my lower abs. It is below my waist band and it's very noticeable to me. I've stopped shifting my position to try to stop it. This is payback for for the Earthquakes- I should have known some aftershocks were coming!

At this point I'm okay with it and it lets me know He/She is still alive. But of course now I have to rename it. I can't imagine what it is doing to move so much (besides being a pinball) because sometimes the feelings will last an hour or more, but it's never constant, always erratic. And it's usually never at night to bother me (yet) so I'm guessing it's a dancer. And the first dancer name that came to mind?? No, not Fred Astaire (although I think we're leaning toward a boy right now), but I've named it Cha Cha as in Cha Cha DiGregorio from Grease. It'll work for 2 1/2 weeks until we really find out what the sex is.

Don't misunderstand me- I have always wanted kids (we even planned this pregnancy), and I want kids who are little versions of me and Miguel, I just never wanted to deal with all the mess and possible complications. It's so much to adjust to and worry about and I'll do just fine but it's scary and weird and new. What I can't wrap my mind around the most is how this baby formed from a chance meeting and a few little cells expanding to create a human. All of us were made that way! Crazy stuff!

Anyway, I'm getting more comfortable with Cha Cha's movements and I'm resenting things less, but I can't help how I feel. I'm normally a glass half-full kind of person, and I am seeing that my glass is more than half-full if I look at the big picture. I just don't like the feeling of invasion- like an alien about to pop out of my guts... 5 more months to go.

-Megan (and Cha Cha)